I love Halloween, even though most of the holiday seems to exist solely as an excuse for undercover (and flat-out) hoochies to parade around in ridiculous get-ups (think “sexy” insert profession) even when all these fools know no matter where you live, it is too cold to for a bitch to be out and about half-nekkid!

That said, I’d like to take a trip down memory lane with some of my favorite celebrity hoochies on Halloween.

Now, I’m going to start at the very beginning—with my beloved Mariah Carey—of course, for whom Halloween isn’t much different from any other day of the year. Frankly, I’ve seen her wearing much less, in a much colder and inappropriate climate. I do especially enjoy the painted-on abs and wonder if they’re part of the costume, or leftover from midriff-less outfit preparation from the night before. The great thing about Mariah she dresses like this on a daily basis. I imagine she’s shown up at the gynecologist’s office in Vegas-style showgirl costume and jammed those lucite heels into the stirrups without batting an eyelash. That’s the kind of dedication this ho has to image.

Her smile is great too—displaying a sort of disbelief at how ridiculous/insane she still gets to walk around being, while still consistently being invited to high-profile red carpet events.

Moving on to a woman who isn’t afraid to rock the camel toe without sans ironic intentions, Coco, with her man, Ice-T.

This is how I prefer to imagine the night’s preparations played out:

COCO: OK, I’m ready to go out. But Ice, baby, you look so silly in that orange jumpsuit!

ICE-T: What are you talking about, ho? It’s Halloween.

COCO: Oh snap! I totally forgot! (Looks at outfit.) Do you think I should change into something sexier? I mean, I’ve got a crotchless version of these hot pants I was saving for Easter Sunday, but honestly, I don’t know if I can wait that long! My cooch is ready to party NOW!

Now here we have one Ms. Paris Hilton, and you can tell by the picture that this is a Halloween costume because she’s actually wearing underwear–which leads me to believe that she probably thinks this costume title is “Amish Girl.”

Honestly, I think that if Paris Hilton ever showed up to a public event dressed appropriately I would probably be very concerned that she had been killed, skinned and her body was being worn by a terrorist completely unfamiliar with American pop-culture.

This is all I have for now, but expect more cattiness as the season approaches…