Unfortunately, I happened to miss the first episode of the notorious “Tyra Banks Show,” but the good news is that the peeps at fourfour were good enough not only to watch, but to recap for all of us to enjoy.

Oh Tyra. You so crazy.

My favorite part is that her little motivational summer camp program thing that she runs is named “T-zone.” Am I the only person who remembers that your “T-zone” is the oiliest part of your face? Like where all the pimples grow?

Come see the Nellie Oleson’s! Do it! I’m gonna. Come on, you’ll love it!

I can’t promise Janice Dickinson stumbling around and eventually falling down, or a fantastic Kimberly Stewart and/or Bobby Trendy sighting, but from what I understand, these bitches is funny!

I’m sorry…am I the only person who didn’t know Kelly Rowland’s real name is KELENDRIA? WTF?

Seriously. When was the last time we had an attractive president? Health care, war, blah, blah, blah. Gimme a guy who can make it into Star Magazine’s “Best Beach Bodies” issue and I’ll be one happy voter.

Democracy rules, bitches.

Awwwww…Guy Ritchie still has a cute little job that he’s trying to pursue in addition to his primary duties as Mr. Madonna. No worries, Madge, I’m sure he’ll grow out of it eventually. Could be worse. He could be trying to have some Mary Kay parties up in your big ol’ mansion. Shoot. That could get right awkward.

For real, y’all. I miss Latoya. Where the hell is that bitch?

Apparently, somebody stole a bunch of Tara Reid’s jewelry. I wonder how they possibly could have duped her. I mean, she did play a scientist in a movie that one time, or something.

Personally, I wouldn’t fuck with ol’ T-Bags, as she’s known on the street. Check it, bitches.

I love that Christian Slater’s gun doesn’t seem to be working.

After recanting my story about Janice Dickinson’s one-woman show for probably the 50th time and realizing just HOW MUCH I LOVE THE ATTENTION, I came up with the idea of doing a one-woman show, where I simply re-enact and effectively make fun of various bad one-woman shows that I plan on going to see.
However, for some reason, I’m fascinated with the idea of only going to see no-name women, so that when I’m making fun of the show, I’m actually the only person in the room who would have any idea of what I’m talking about. And at the end of the show, I would thank the audience, take a bow and head home to laugh about how on-the-nose I was with all of my impressions.

Lately, I’ve started to believe that were I to run into one of the Simpson sibs in a dark alley, they might try to eat my brain.

Which would be very unfortunate, since I’m trying to train for the L.A. marathon, and I’m pretty sure Jess thinks that your brain is in your foot.

I’m sorry, but the judge using a penis pump whilst presiding over a court is still my all-time favorite/creepiest smoking gun article I’ve ever read. I just thought I’d bring it back up, lest y’all had done forgotten.

Also, I’ve included a picture of Judge Judy on here, even though the real judge is NOT her, and she (I’m guessing) DOESN’T have a penis and is in fact, completely UNRELATED to this story, simply based on the fact that I think she’s making an extremely goofy face.

That is all.

I’m sorry–I must have missed something. When exactly was Val Kilmer’s entire head stung by bees? Or is there another reason for the grotesque swelling?

This is actually something that I just thought of when I reached to take my vitamins this morning. The last time I went to get my hair cut, I had a discussion with the girl cutting my hair about all the breakage in my hair–you guessed it people–split ends are my dirty little secret. My secret shame. And she was going through the checklist to see what I was possibly doing wrong…

Was I using the right kind of rubber bands? I was. Check.

Was I conditioning properly? I was. Check.

Was I taking vitamins on a regular basis? Ooh. Jackpot.

So, we discussed that I should be taking vitamins so that my hair would be stronger and less likely to break. And then I realized that honestly, that was my strongest motivation to take vitamins. Not for my health, but for my vanity, folks.

But seriously, that’s what happens when you spend 6 years of your life growing out your hair because you know that **”boys like long hair.”

**To quote my mother.

From VOGUE…

NAOMI’S CHARITY CATWALKS

NAOMI CAMPBELL is offering her catwalking services to any New York designer next week so long as they donate her fee to the American Red Cross to aid the victims of Hurricane Katrina. Naomi, whose first ever fashion shoot took place in New Orleans when she was 15-years-old, is determined to donate “every single penny” that she earns during the week to the cause. “It’s awful to see what happened and watch grown men crying on TV because they have nothing left,” she said. “When I’m looking at this [devastation], it’s like I’m looking at Africa or anywhere else in the world but here. It made me think about what I could do to help.” Naomi, who charges up to $50,000-per-show and already has at least six booked in for New York Fashion Week, should manage to raise a pretty impressive sum. “There was no way I could walk the runways this week and just keep my [modelling] rate,” she said. “It would be fantastic if everyone joined forces to give what they can.” (September 8 2005, AM)

The dude is so old now, even his clothes are wrinkly.