Lately, there have been some amazing infomercials on TV. Or maybe there always have been and I just haven’t noticed until now since I’m currently working from home and the idiot box just plays in the background all day long.

Of course, there are the standby weight-loss commercials, ranging from lapband surgery to workout videos, various check cashing services and technical colleges. But my new favorites include Bump It! and Loud N’ Clear. First of all, they’re so punny and strange, each requiring specific punctuation. Secondly, the ultimate intent behind each product appears to be enabling people to live silly lies.

Bump It! is a little hair clip that you conceal under your hair in order to create the illusion of volume. The commercial is amazing, since everyone seems to be having more fun when their hair is lumpy.

Just check out these chicks. Do you think they have trouble getting drinks at the bar? Only if you’re an IDIOT!

Clearly, however, I’m not their target demographic since their models lean towards the more tan and highlighted side. I’m starting to wonder how many Bump It!’s would fall out if I were to hold this season’s Rock of Love contestants upside down and shake vigorously.

I especially love the graphic of the girl sporting her Bump It! for a red carpet event. Such casual elegance!

As my friend Dan pointed out, “Just think about how disappointed a guy is going to be when he’s making out with a girl and her Bump It! falls out. He’s going to feel so cheated that her hair is really much flatter than she made it look.”

And as for the Loud N’ Clear, they seem to be targeting three types of people: old people who are hard of hearing, nosy people who want to spy on their neighbors and the ultimate, nosy old people who are hard of hearing whose hearing problems are getting in the way of their spying. And it’s designed to look like those hands-free bluetooth headsets for your cell phone. 

The thrust of the design’s appeal is supposed to be that it’s more desirable to look like one of those assholes who never takes their headset out of their ears, than someone wearing a hearing aid. They don’t clearly explain exactly why this is supposed to be better than wearing one of those easily-concealed, flesh-colored earbuds rather than looking like you’re engaged in an all-day phone conversation.

The level of delusion involved in this marketing scheme is pretty overwhelming. In the commercial, all the overheard gossip being heard by the Loud N’ Clear customers is highly favorable. “That Lisa sure looks trim! I wonder if she’s on that high-carb, low fruit diet craze sweeping the nation.” Presumably, you’re actually going to want to find out what your neighbors really think of you.

Personally, I can barely stand to hear the crap that manages to make its way through the curly anatomy of my ear canal to my brain. I always thought one of the few perks of growing older is being able to tune out the rest of the world with less effort. So, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go put in some earplugs and devolumize my hair.