If I were a guy, Trenita and I would be absolutely perfect for one another. Except that I’m a pretty laid back person looking for a long-term relationship who likes paying for movies, isn’t from Denmark and hates fun.
Quite frankly, I’m shocked at how infrequently I’ve found out where a potential mate would want to live if they were in the witness protection program before things got too serious. The last thing I would want to have happen is an argument over whether Wyoming or Amish country in Pennsylvania would be a better place to live after we’d testified in a federal case against some mobsters.
Hey, ABC. If you finally find a Bachelorette worth watching, maybe I’ll start tuning into your show. I think I might even know someone who’d be willing to voice the radio promos for free.
The other night, over cupcakes and a bottle of Two Buck Chuck, Dan and I started combing the Internet for ridiculous YouTube clips.
Sadly, we weren’t able to uncover too much online video from the prolific stripper-turned-comic Sandy Kane who has created hours upon hours of glorious footage that features the Newark, New Jersey native singing raunchy versions of popular songs while dressed in a series of bras, thongs, fishnet thigh-highs, a wig of cascading blonde curls and what I affectionately refer to as “Fuck Me Boots.” This footage has aired (and may still air) on public access in Manhattan.
However, this clip of Sandy’s version of “Gloria” is really the best of what I could unearth in terms of performance and even though it is short, the trademark elements of a Sandy Kane episode are included: vulgar and frequent references to male and female genitalia, fake audience applause, Sandy’s raspy voice crooning in a flat and almost earnest tone and of course, the “Breast Comedienne” jumping up and down for the finale, exciting her pasties into circular motion.
Since I have now been introduced to Sandy, I have made it my quest to find more video of this national treasure. I’ve also found myself dying to contact her through MySpace, once I’ve decided what it is I want to say.
For now, here is my collection of Sandy Kane videos I’ve found online, which must be shared with the world.
“Gloria”
So I’m guessing these Opie and Anthony people are radio guys, but they seem to have Sandy on their show pretty regularly. Here’s a bit with her “on the stripper pole.”
“Sandy Kane on the Stripper Pole for Opie and Anthony”
I honestly thought that her little bouts of bopping around were just her possibly prepping to actually hoist herself up onto the pole but as it turns out, those weren’t preparatory stretches. It was the actual pole performance. I had such faith in Sandy that I thought she might actually surprise me with a crazy move on the pole that had her swirling around in all of her glory, but alas, Sandy’s not as spry as she used to be, y’all.
Needless to say, you should watch this on mute because these guys aren’t particularly entertaining. Also, you might want to stop the video before she yanks her thong to the side for a clear view of her…well, her ass.
We’ll end this round of Sandy Kane videos with the following:
“Sandy Kane – Rock Around Dolly’s Twat”
I’m not quite sure why Sandy is wearing so many different thongs or how one of them got so woefully askew, but I’m more than happy to watch this nut gleefully performing various dance moves which include scooting from one side of the room to the other and an occasional half-hearted pelvic thrust.
Feeling like you want to be naughty while your husband’s off driving in his tiny, expensive sports car? Then have yourself an affair. Sire Spicer says, “It’s just adultery,” which after all, is just a sexual crime.
Betsy introduced me to the genius that is Fuck Yeah! Ryan Gosling and I was immediately smitten. Of course, I subsequently became obsessed with making some of my own. Unfortunately, there doesn’t seem to be an email for me to send in submissions, so rather than simply sending them to Betsy, one every fifteen minutes, I decided to post them here.
Maybe the Fuck Yeah! people will find this and let me send them my beautiful creations, lest they go to waste here.
I’ve always appreciated Weird Al from a distance, thinking to myself, “Oh hey, parody songs. That’s kind of funny,” and dismissed him as someone whose comedy I grew out of once I stopped wearing pajamas with feet.
But then I saw him appearing in various episodes of Tim and Eric Awesome Show, which I thought was interesting. Then I found this vintage “interview” he did with Madonna on YouTube and realized that he is, in fact, a genius.
The other two videos I watched and loved were his Mariah Carey and Paula Abdul interviews, which you can watch here. When he starts listing Janet Jackson‘s albums to Paula and her face drops, well, that is truly a classic piece of cinematic journalism. Oh God and the one with Celine Dion is amazing.
Thank God YouTube wasn’t around when I was in my teens. There would have been some extremely embarrassing footage of me talking about my new haircut, how my stupid younger sisters were making my life miserable and how boys are so insensitive and stupid.
Which is sooooo ridiculous because my primary concerns in life are vastly different these days as an almost thirtysomething.
For one thing, my sisters and I get along like gangbusters. And um, yeah.
Mike Wilson brought D-Listed‘s most recent “Caption It!” contest picture to my attention and I have to say, it’s so damn good, it warrants reposting here on Office Monkey.
First of all, how much do you love the little hair wispies clouding her face, indicating that this child rarely sits still? Clearly, she’s a dynamo on and off the playground.
Secondly, this is the kind of little girl that I was way too shy to be, but who would have been the perfect candidate for my best friend, since I could conveniently live vicariously through her amusing antics.
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