I absolutely cannot stop watching Breaking Bonaduce mostly because I find Danny Bonaduce so incredibly infuriating. And his wife Gretchen Bonaduce, for being such a freaking doormat.

First of all, she’s doing the whole Priscilla-Presley-dyeing-her-hair-to-match-her-husband’s thing and the two of them look like a sick pair of fraternal twins. It also doesn’t help that Danny just generally looks like shit warmed over.

Dude. Sunscreen. You’re a redhead.

It seriously just looks like Jackson Pollock got a hold of some brown paint and went to town on Danny’s face.

OK, so I guess the show is supposed to be all about Danny battling his demons and doing it all on-camera so the world can see and let me tell you, it’s the most entertaining trainwreck I’ve seen in a while. The good kind. The kind you actually want to TiVo.

So, I saw the episode where Danny talks about the affair he had and he makes this big deal about telling the audience, in a direct-address how he didn’t get caught—he confessed—and the way he says it makes it obvious he thinks he deserves some kind of kudos for confessing. Ech.

Then, you see him in therapy with his wife and his absolutely insane-looking therapist. The man has clearly had so much Botox, and in such strange areas that he constantly looks like he’s going to burst into laughter.

Granted, most of the shit that comes out of Danny’s mouth is so self-absorbed, it’s ludicrous, but I personally think the guy’s face is just fucked. Frankly, I wouldn’t trust a therapist who can only move sections of his eyebrows at a time, but that’s just me.

So, Danny talked about the affair and how he’s got a sex addiction too. I mean, the fact that he’s a short, self-obsessed, violent alcoholic red-head isn’t enough to make Gretchen run for the hills, which makes me wonder about her. Her excuse is that she wants to stay together for the kids. Hmm. I don’t know how I feel about that.

And Gretchen’s all, “I don’t really care about sex that much,” and frankly, I wouldn’t either, if I was married to Danny Bonaduce.

Then we get to the part that REALLY annoyed me. So, the therapist is all, “Danny, what kind of example do you think you’re setting for your kids?” Then Danny suddenly pulls this totally BS reaction of, “Hey man, don’t talk about my kids.” Ugh, ugh, ugh.

I love how he suddenly gets all protective of his children in therapy when it’s of absolutely no use to them, but when he’s out screwing some nasty hos he seems to forget how his treatment of his kids’ mother is going to affect them, oh I don’t know, FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIVES.

Hey Danny, remember how Chris Rock says that the goal of a father is to keep his little girl off the pole? Well, you’re kind of failing miserably. I can’t really remember how that episode ended cause the teaser for the next episode, where Danny gets hooked on working out and steroids made me fast-forward the TiVo to that.
And we cut to Danny getting pumped up and generally scary. He’s shooting steroids while his kids play downstairs in the livingroom. He’s working out and becoming a personal trainer so he can train these slutty blonde girls.

So, at his therapy session by himself, his therapist brings up the question of whether or not Gretchen knows about Danny training a bunch of “blonde 20-year olds” and I must interject at this point that those hoes do NOT look 20-years old. Granted, parts of them are fairly young, but overall, I’m thinking they actually look older than me.

My lunch break ended before Danny could really get all out-of-control and violent, but let me just tell you, this show is the so yucky, you won’t want to stop watching.